The Key to Peace and Loving Happiness.
How do you go about finding loving happiness and peace? For me it has been a long journey and is still one that is ongoing? For the last twenty years I have been in relationships which have just compounded the way I feel about myself.
I went to an all-girls schools where there were always the clicks, the popular girls, the nerds, the 'inbetweeners'. You fitted in or you fitted out. Girls were quick to criticize your shortcomings rather than focus on your positives during the day. Once in the boarding rooms everyone mingled together and were as one no matter our day time grouping. We looked out for one another, with teachers, younger years and even boyfriends. The first time my BFF turned on me I was horrified, even now the name they called me, makes me mad ‘a big fat ugly earthworm’. I was a premature baby so even at the age of seven, I was still the size of a five-year-old and was generally called ‘lucky legs’. Later on it was my partners who called me the names, hitting where it hurt. I was too young to understand the concept of transference at this time and I already hated myself for own reasons.
For twenty years now, all bar one partner (the one none of my family liked), have called me fat, ugly, arrogant, cold hearted, an attention seeker and crazy. It was always in my head, no matter that I was trying to tell the person who supposedly loved me, how I was feeling. I tried to fight against it but in the end it was just easier to turn-off, to not feel, to put up the walls and let no-one in. To accept that I was not normal. Hard for someone who is sensitive and hates to see others suffering. I did not listen to my own advice and to my own detriment fell into. My Daughter’s Father has been part of my life for eighteen years and always felt that I needed fixing. He did probably meet me at my worst and whilst in my most self-destructive phase. My poison, Vodka, it helped numb the pain. My attitude towards myself has been detrimental both physically and mentally. I fell into a mixture of depression and anxiety. I fell into debt. I gained weight. I dressed in black. I was not happy with me; I gave off vibes to stay away. No matter what I did I could not find my way out. I felt trapped by myself, by society, by the need for money. A single mother trying to raise a Daughter but not able to take care of herself. So many times I felt like giving up.
My five steps to peace and lovingness included;
A fantastic hypnotherapist was recommended to me who helped deal with both weight issues and anxiety. It soon became apparent that a mental block was key to my inability to lose weight. I was holding all my emotions inside and had become unable to communicate how I feel. Still to this day, if I feel someone is not taking me seriously I say, ‘I am explaining to you how you have made me feel, and these feelings are real to me’. It’s been tough to actually let people know how I feel but it is rewarding and freeing. I needed to start looking after me.
I believe that your physical and mental state are linked. Gestalt allows you to understand this and gives you awareness that a stomach ache may actually be due to anxiety and a headache due to feeling confused. This helped me to manage my anxiety during periods on and off medication.
It was in one conversation I realised I was not crazy. I was not abnormal as I had been made to feel by previous partners. There was nothing wrong with me. What I was feeling, how I was reacting was normal. In fact, I was a stable and balanced individual. I just needed to start looking after me
3.Remove the Negativity
I cleared out the negativity, from an email contact, Facebook and Twitter clear-cuts. I now do this on a yearly basis. I distanced myself from my ex and I sold the house and settled the mortgage that was bleeding me dry, causing me to be ill and demotivated. The one thing I have yet to resolve is my job and my career. My job I have been doing for ten years at various companies to pay the bills and to survive. My career I am still working on. I am yet to find what fits my passion and my beliefs. I just needed to start looking after me.
As well as being physically and mentally unapproachable, I was also using my clothes to warn people off and hide everything I hated about myself. This in turn was impacting my promotion opportunities in my job and in finding a life partner. I did not realise this however until I did an utterly amazing course with 'YourStyleSister'. Apart from meeting other women who made me realise I was not alone in this world and my experiences, I learnt the impact my chosen clothes and style was having on my life.
I learnt how to dress for different activities, my personality and grow my confidence. I learnt how to dress with colours and patterns. I learnt to take steps to loving me and being me. I have attracted more positive attitudes from people and received more smiles and compliments than when I hid behind baggy and black clothes. Everywhere interestingly, except my current job but that is for another blog. I needed to start looking after me.
I was directed to an amazing course that has helped me Find my Why. What drives me, my passions, my pressure points. This has helped highlight those areas of my life that make me dissatisfied, that are not in line with my Why. I still need to work on this and make changes to areas of my life. However, I now understand why I have such powerful reactions to certain behaviours and even individuals. I needed to start looking after me.
In conclusion, one message was clear no matter what avenue I pursued. I needed to start looking after me. The key to my peace and loving happiness was putting my wellbeing first. Something I hadn’t done for many years as I was spending my time looking after myself. It’s an ongoing process but now I am looking after me, I am putting me first.