Out of Darkness Comes Light
On a daily basis, we are currently being bombarded with news dark in nature. It would appear we are returning to the middle ages - a horrific terrorist attack in London, gay men in Chechnya being placed in camps similar to those of WWII, threats of a cold war as US and Russian relationships continue to fall apart, bombs on trains and planes, young children intentionally being targeted with vehicular homicide. Yet every morning the sun keeps shining and the world keeps turning. In addition, we have to try and cope with our own darkness, whether its loneliness, depression, anxiety, bullying, domestic abuse or the illness of a loved one, as well as our past demons. It can be really hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
At different times in my life I have experienced the above and I have not always coped very well with these, I have turned to extreme behaviours to make myself feel alive or ensure numbness whether it was alcohol or other items which cannot be mentioned here, please be assured not illegal but definitely 50 shades of grey. I now have a number of tattoos which tell my story from a semi colon to a lotus flower. Each tattoo a symbol of my spiritual awakening or recognition of a phase on my life. A symbol or hurdles jumped and a return to happiness. I wish I had known from the age of twelve the things I do now and maybe I would not have continued to attract such negativity into my life for so long. I was diagnosed with chronic anxiety and have spent the best part of the last 16 years on Prozac: this is the length of time since the prognosis, I have had it younger, possibly since my earlier teens. I am now 37 and it wasn’t until the last year that I started to turn things around. How you ask?
I sat down and asked who I was. I had been lost and started to take steps to be in touch with who I was again. I had lost my way and who I was. I was a lost soul. I had spent too long trying to keep the peace, hating myself or allowing myself to be controlled by narcissistic males and even is some cases narcissistic females have been part of my life. I now know who I am and what I believe. Although many in my circle and even family will not understand these beliefs and will do all in their power to try and unsettle them. These are my moral compass and represent who I am and what I believe.
I addressed my style. I learnt how to dress whilst still maintain my individuality. I will admit that as I am back in a corporate environment, I do tow the line Monday to Friday, 9 to five as much as possible and my ink remains as hidden as possible. It may be harder this summer, now that I work in Madrid.
I make time for myself, I can now recognise when an episode begins and when I am feeling anxious, so I take time out for me.
I pursue hobbies that interest me and help me, such as writing and photography, this blog.
I have a vision board up in my bedroom to visualise and focus me on what I want to attract in my life.
I found out I didn’t have anxiety as such bit that it was caused by food allergies so I have addressed my diet. Although chocolate remains very hard to give up in its entirety.
I find three things every morning and every evening to be grateful for, whether it's my job or I good day. If I have a bad day I take a deep breath and say thank you to the universe whether it’s the blossom on the trees, the sun in the sky, the walk to work, the opportunity to start again in Madrid, food on my table, roof over my head and clothes on my back.
No matter what we have been through we must remember that, in the wise words of Serge Kahili King Ph.D., "it is not the past itself that bind us, rather we are bound by our interpretation of the memories of the past".